Fic List


Title: Leap of Faith
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, Drama, Smut (in the last chapter! :P)
Summary: A night of drinking leads to something happening between Nakamaru and Ueda, leaving both with confused thoughts and mixed emotions. Will they be brave enough to take a leap of faith? 
Chapter 1   I   Chapter 2   I    Chapter 3   I    Chapter 4

Title: Staring Contest
Genre: Crack-ish, romance, humor, fluff
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Nakamaru's been staring at Ueda for the longest time, and when he tries to stop, suddenly it's Ueda who's staring at him!

Title: Sanctuary
Pairing: MaruDa
Genre: Romance, fluff, comfort
Rating: PG 13
Summary: When Ueda is troubled by the the dark illusions in his mind, he clings to him-- warm, real, safe Nakamaru.


Title: Addicted to Love
Genre: Romance, Drama (slight), Smut
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jin wonders how many sides there are to Kame, and why he has fallen so deeply in love.

Title: Bandit!
Authors: Collab fic with superhero0008 
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Romance, (slight)Smut
Summary: "Ready to bang with me!" Songfic inspired by Make or Break.

Title: Across the Sky
Pairing: AKame
Genre: Romance, Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Although Kame and Jin rarely get to see each other because of their hectic work schedules, they are still connected by their thoughts and feelings. Songfic inspired by Kobukuro’s “Blue Bird”.

Nakamaru fanart


Photoshop + Pen tablet. It looks like pencil, doesn't it? I traced over an existing picture of Maru, hehe. But the pen strokes and rendering are still mine, right? So I signed my tumblr name somewhere on the pic. xD 

Oh Maru, why so cute and adorable and handsome? o(≧▽≦)o

Sanctuary, a MaruDa fic

Title: Sanctuary
Pairing: MaruDa
Genre: Romance, fluff, comfort
Rating: PG 13
Disclaimer: I own no one!
Beta: superhero0008 
Summary: When Ueda is troubled by the the dark illusions in his mind, he clings to him-- warm, real, safe Nakamaru.

A/N: Another drabble of sorts. The image in my head was just so sweet, I had to write it. Enjoy! :)


Ueda opens his eyes, and the world is spinning around him. Shapes blur and blend into one another and become shadowy creatures looming over him. He reaches out a hand to try and steady himself, looking for some anchor to sanity. His hand collides with something warm beside him. Ueda wakes up for real this time with his heart hammering away in panic. He looks to his side and sees that he has grabbed hold of Nakamaru’s arm, but this doesn’t seem to have disturbed the other man’s peaceful slumber. Ueda lets out a long, shuddering breath, his grip tight on Nakamaru’s arm, just in case the nightmares come to whisk him away again. If that happened again, he could hold on to him-- familiar, sensible Nakamaru.

The other man’s head turns a little. He seems to have been roused from sleep. He opens his eyes wearily, and looks in Ueda’s direction. He smiles, or at least that’s what it looks like to Ueda because the corner of his mouth lifted slightly. Nakamaru reaches out a hand and draws him closer into his arms. He does this while remaining barely conscious, as if it were instinctive, and then falls deep asleep again. Ueda is touched by how naturally Nakamaru wanted to have him closer. He lay his head comfortably in the crook of Nakamaru’s neck. Slowly, Ueda’s breathing returned to normal. 

It is lucky that they often end up rooming together on KAT-TUN’s concert tours. That makes it easier to spend time together without people questioning their closeness. This way, they could freely sleep side by side on the same bed, as long as they remember to keep the door safely locked and the curtains drawn from prying eyes. 

Ueda tries to close his eyes and go back to sleep. He almost succeeds, but the nightmare starts again. Phantom shadows obscure his vision, pressing down on him that he can hardly breathe. He lets out a scream and is suddenly jolted awake, cold sweat upon his forehead. Nakamaru beside him is now fully awake, eyes watching him concernedly. Their faces are so close together that they are practically sharing breaths. Ueda embraces his lover, willing his heart to slow down. Nakamaru closes his eyes and allows himself to be held and whispers soothing words. Ueda raises himself from the bed a little and places his cheek against Nakamaru’s, relishing the comfortable warmth of the other’s skin. He kisses Nakamaru’s closed eyelids, feeling the eyelashes flutter like the gentle wingbeats of a butterfly. He then presses a kiss to the other man’s lips, and Nakamaru opens his eyes, giving him a puzzled yet concerned stare for a moment before remembering to return the kiss. 

“Are you okay?” Nakamaru asks, his hand trailing down Ueda’s shoulder and arm. 

“I’m okay now,” he replies, sighing softly, “Because I’m not alone.” 

“Yes, I’m with you,” Nakamaru says, and Ueda leans in for another kiss. 

A/N: Classic 'nightmare in the night, lover comforts him' plot. A bit cliché maybe, but I had to do it. And didn’t Ueda say in some interview that he doesn’t like being alone? Or is that just my imagination? xD

*** BTW! My friend superhero0008 and I are planning an epic (lol) AU fanfic that would probably span 20 or more chapters, centering on the pairings AKame and MaruDa! And let me tell you, it's going to be dramatic. I especially feel all emo over the MaruDa storyline. Huhu. ;_; Well, I hope you watch out for it, I'll be sure to post the fic here too once we get to post it. :D

Across the Sky, AKame songfic

Title: Across the Sky
Pairing: AKame
Genre: Romance, Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own no one!
Beta: superhero0008 
Summary: Although Kame and Jin rarely get to see each other because of their hectic work schedules, they are still connected by their thoughts and feelings. Songfic inspired by Kobukuro’s “Blue Bird”.

A/N: Commissioned by superhero0008 . Although, I think this is actually more like a collab fic. She gave me the prompts, and I did the writing. Please read and enjoy!  :D


Across the Sky

**Your love flies across the blue sky, like a blue bird
Can you see the birds?
Although happiness is a color you can't see
I feel your love

Kame could already feel the heat of the sunlight on the side of his face, but, not wanting to wake up from his pleasant dream, he simply turned on his side and buried his face in the soft pillows.

The sun had done its work, however, and Kame was already awake even before opening his eyes. He remembered at once that he had a busy schedule that day as usual. He couldn’t afford to sleep in.

With one fluid motion, Kame rolled out of bed.

He made his way to the kitchen and looked around with still bleary eyes, searching for something easy and quick to eat. He settled on munching on a piece of toast and drinking coffee.

As he stood eating his makeshift breakfast, his thoughts, as they often did, wandered off to Jin. He smiled, thinking that Jin probably had a full schedule today as well. They were both just so busy.

Jin was always flying in and out of Japan, and lately it was getting harder and harder for the two of them to meet. The last time that Kame had even been able to see Jin was almost one month ago now, and the last time they talked was already two weeks ago. And yes, Kame was counting. It wasn’t because either of them lacked the effort to keep in touch with each other. Whenever Jin was able to call Kame, it always coincided with Kame’s work schedule. It seemed that work always interfered with their personal life.

Worries pile up, and you look up at the spring sky
Gaze down then lift your head again
Your motley bag is stuffed full of unwanted things and precious things
In this town you were determined to find
Things that shouldn't be lost, keep them in your heart

Kame stepped out of his house, closing the door behind him. He looked up, noting that the sun was now obscured by grey clouds. It looked like it was going to rain, but the weather didn’t make him feel down. He was inspired to work today. Well, he always was, but, on this day, he just felt peculiarly extra optimistic.

Kame’s drive to work was uneventful; it was so routine that it felt almost like he was on auto pilot. His mind kept wandering. He found that he kept thinking of Jin. It only made him realize just how much he actually missed his lover.

Arriving at the Jimusho, Kame parked his car and turned the engine off. Before he exited, he took out his cellphone and started to type a short message.

“I miss you,” were the first words he typed, before he erased them again. It felt too mundane and overused.

Kame thought for a moment, tapping his thumb on the phone’s screen. Then, he broke into a ridiculous grin as an idea popped into his head. Well, it was better to be stupid yet unique rather than dull and repetitive.

He started typing again and sent the message quickly before he could change his mind about it. Kame made a face, thinking that Jin would probably poke fun at him for what he had said. Well, at least he’d be able to make the solo artist laugh at any rate.

Your love flies across the blue sky, like a blue bird
Can you see the birds?
Although happiness is a color you can't see
I feel your love

Jin tapped his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently. The traffic was moving far too slowly, and he had to get to his meeting with the executives of Warner Music Japan at the Jimusho as soon as possible. He wasn’t late yet, but the sky was already turning gray, and he wanted to get the venue before it rained.

Jin looked up at the dark clouds gathering overhead and sighed. He had so much to do that day. First was this meeting with Warner Japan, then an interview with a magazine right after, then a photoshoot after a 30 minute lunch break, and the rest of the day was set aside for rehearsals for his next tour. He had barely enough time to himself, and, inevitably, he had absolutely no free time to spend with Kame. He had two straight months with a full workload.

These days, Jin thought about Kame a lot. Whenever he was graced with a rare break in his work, he’d always go right back to thinking about the younger man and how much he missed him. It was really rather ridiculous, in a melodramatic kind of way.

Jin didn’t know when he’d be able to see Kame, or when he’d be able to kiss those sensuous lips, or when he’d be able to feel that warm, slender body— without meaning to, Jin had started to daydream about the next time he’d be able to see Kame. They’d chat a little, maybe get some dinner. Then, they’d go back to someone’s apartment, to the bedroom where he’d proceed to unbuttoning Kame’s shirt—

The train of his thoughts were interrupted when the car behind his honked at him. Jin looked up, and saw that the traffic light had already turned green. He smiled sheepishly, changing gears and accelerating. What a waste, he thought, as his daydream was just starting to get good.

On the white shirt you gave me
Stitched in white inside the cuffs
Is the word “FIGHT!”
Even when I’m all alone, they give me courage
But then, why are these tears falling?

Jin arrived at the Jimusho just in time. He slid out of his car and straightened up his attire. He put on his blazer, and arranged his polo cuffs. He pulled at one of the cuffs and, smiling, glanced at the word written on the inside lining.

“FIGHT!” was inked there, in the bold black letters of Kame’s handwriting. It was not the first time that Jin saw it, but it always made him smile. It made him happy, the knowledge that Kame would always be supportive of whatever he wanted to do in life.

He walked across the parking lot and noticed that Kame’s car was already there. Jin chuckled to himself. It was typical of Kame to be such an early bird, the workaholic.

Your love
Because I'm connected to you,
I'll trust to the wind and keep on walking
The power of belief
Please give your love to my heart

“One more time,” said Kame in between breaths, “We need to get this dance sequence perfectly,” he adds, with a grin.

The other members of KAT-TUN stared at him as they stood around the dance studio, with sweat glistening on their foreheads. They were breathing heavily from the physically taxing dance moves. Nakamaru tried to speak, but instead ended up making an odd choked noise because he was still having trouble catching his breath. Ueda shook his head disapprovingly, and then went aside to get a drink of water. Koki threw his hands up in exasperation.

“Fine! One more run, and we’re done!” said Koki, sounding partly amused in spite of his harsh-sounding tone, “This is going to be the last, okay Kame?!”

“I promise it’s going to be the last run,” Kame replied, once again taking his place in their formation.

“Alright, let’s do this!” exclaimed Taguchi who was forever the energetic one.

As the music began, Kame positioned his body in the beginning pose.

“It’s going to be the last run… if we get it perfectly,” and Kame laughed loudly as the other members of KAT-TUN gave a loud collective groan.

Your love flies across the blue sky, like a blue bird
Can you see the birds?
Although happiness is a color you can't see
I feel your love

Fifteen minutes into the meeting, Jin was already slightly bored. From under the table, Jin pulled out his phone from his pocket and looked at his messages. Jin’s eyes lit up hen he saw that he had a new message from Kame.

The preview of the first line of the text message puzzled him:

“Hi, Jin! Do you remember me?”

Was Kame angry that Jin wasn’t giving him enough attention any more? Jin hurriedly opened the complete message and scrolled down. He read the whole thing from the beginning.

Hi, Jin! Do you remember me?






P.S. I remember you all the time. Work hard Bakanishi!

Jin almost let out a loud laugh. Kame and his zany antics. He shook his head, not able to hold back a fond smile.

I muttered "Love" alone to myself
Memories, like petals
Carried on a gentle wind
Travel to your heart

Practice finally ended, just when Kame felt that he could no longer stand on his legs out of exhaustion. He slumped down on the nearest seat, closing his eyes for a moment. He heard Junno speaking enthusiastically (still so energetic after the long day!).

“Guys, why don’t we get dinner and then go clubbing later?”

The other KAT-TUN members replied with a tired groan. Kame smiled and stood up.

“Everybody’s too tired, Taguchi,” he said, tapping the tall man on the shoulder, “All I want to do now is go home.”

Kame exits the building and makes his way to his car. He doubled back and stared at a car that was familiar to him. It was Jin’s car, and it was still parked in the almost empty lot. He checked his watch and frowned when he saw that it was already 9pm. Jin was still working at that late hour?

Kame felt concerned for the soloist, but then again, he could understand that Jin was probably working overtime out of dedication. He nodded to himself. Jin was okay, there was no need to worry.

Kame took out his car keys and got into his car to go home.

Your love flies across the blue sky, like a blue bird
Can you see the birds?
Although happiness is a color you can't see
I feel your love

Just when it seemed like recording was never going to finish, the sound technicians signaled to Jin that the work was done for the day. Jin made a small triumphant gesture of pumping his fist into the air and waved goodbye cheerily to his staff. He was eager to get home.

As he was walking back to the parking lot, the soloist yawned and stretched in the hallway. He passed by Josh in the corridor, and the other man clapped him on the shoulder saying, “Good work today! Now it’s time to reward yourself! Let’s go clubbing tonight!”

Jin grinned at his friend’s invitation, but shook his head, “I’m too tired today. I need rest.”

“Right. We wouldn’t want you getting sick from working too much, like that time you had to perform on Music Station,” Josh replied, and, giving a wink, added, “But you’ll be missing out on the girls tonight!”

Jin couldn’t help but smirk. Josh doesn’t know, were the words in his head.

In the parking lot, the solo artist noted that Kame’s car was already gone. When Jin finally made his way to his own car, he didn’t get in immediately. Jin absent-mindedly played with his car keys, throwing them up and catching them again, as he stood thoughtfully beside his car.

Finally, Jin decided. He got into his car and speedily drove away.

Your love flies across my heart
That bird must have been you
In a sad wind, you still spread your wings
Melting into the sky
Wipe away the tears, dry your wings
We're connected by love
Your love

Kame was preparing himself some tea when the doorbell rang. He glanced at the wall clock and was surprised to see that it was near midnight. Who could be visiting him at this hour? He wasn’t expecting anyone.

Kame paused for a moment, looking at the tea he had brewed. He seemed to have brewed more than enough for himself.

As Kame passed by the living room on the way to the front door, he turned down the volume of the TV. It was far too late in the night and far too noisy.

Kame opened his door to find a tired-looking Jin in the doorway, grinning like a child. He couldn’t help but return the heartfelt grin.

“Hey,” said Jin, scratching the back of his head sheepishly.

“Hey,” replied Kame, his grin never wavering.

“Just ‘hey’? You don’t you have anything better to say to me?” Jin raised his eyebrows expectantly.

Kame looked at Jin, taking in the slightly disheveled hair, the tired eyes crinkling at the sides in a bright, yet slightly shy smile.

The younger man spread his arms, inviting Jin into an embrace, “Welcome home.”

Jin put his arms around Kame, holding him close and sighing softly, “Yes, I’m home.”


**I somewhat edited the English translation of the lyrics so it would have a better flow. But I swear I didn’t change the meaning of the song! xD

Staring Contest, a MaruDa crack fic

Title: Staring Contest
Pairing: MaruDa
Genre: Crack-ish, romance, humor, fluff
Rating: PG 13
Disclaimer: I own no one!
Beta: superhero0008 
Summary: Nakamaru's been staring at Ueda for the longest time, and when he tries to stop, suddenly it's Ueda who's staring at him! 

A/N: Dunno where this came from, but I hope you enjoy reading it! xD

Nakamaru had always found Ueda attractive. Even from their pre-debut days, he was already an admirer and was actually quite open about it. He went around following Ueda all over the place, which the other found annoying at that time. But probably because Nakamaru was so persistent, the rocker later learned to tolerate it. As a young boy, Ueda was really cute. He had a weird, sometimes antagonistic side and would flare up in anger at times, but he was cute to Nakamaru all the same.

And now, Ueda was, without any exaggeration whatsoever, absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. As in bishounen sparkly beautiful. Nakamaru found that he was getting uncomfortable around Ueda. Particularly uncomfortable in certain situations, such as when they were in the showers or in the changing rooms together, and particularly uncomfortable in a certain area of his body.

And so Nakamaru did his best to avoid Ueda at all cost, even though in the past he had taken to staring at Ueda shamelessly for long periods of time. But lately, it seemed that Ueda was the one staring at him now. It felt like every time Nakamaru turned his head, Ueda was there staring at him, quite heatedly (or was that just his imagination working on overdrive?).

Ueda cornered him one day, in a particularly narrow corridor of the Jimusho.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Ueda stated nonchalantly, as if he weren’t standing almost nose to nose with Nakamaru.

“I have?” asked a nervous Nakamaru, trying to put on his most winsome smile and ending up looking rather constipated.

“Yes. Why? Am I repulsive?”

“NO!” Nakamaru interjected, “Not at all! Quite the opposite in fact!”

Ueda narrowed his eyes, leaning in even closer.

“Prove it,” said Ueda, voice all low and seductive.


“Prove that you’re not repulsed by me.”


“Kiss me.”

“Why?!” and Nakamaru had to stop for moment, and wondered why his vocabulary was suddenly reduced to basic questions.

Ueda pouted, and Nakamaru’s resolve melted away (this was to be a tradition in their relationship from then on).

“Don’t you like me? I’ve seen you watching me all the time,” said Ueda, putting his arms around Nakamaru’s neck.

“Alright, alright!” Nakamaru exclaimed, turning all red in the face, “But just one kiss! One!”

Of course, they didn’t stop at just one kiss.

Addicted to Love, AKame songfic

Title: Addicted to Love
Pairing: AKame
Genre: Romance, Drama (slight), Smut
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I own no one!
Beta: superhero0008 
Summary: Jin wonders how many sides there are to Kame, and why he has fallen so deeply in love.

A/N: Written upon the request of wonderful superhero0008 . Thank you for giving me so many fic ideas. xD Also, I so love this song by W~inds. Enjoy! If you want, download it here.

Addicted to Love


‘I'm addicted. So twisted.
Got me thinking how I miss it.
Can't have it. I like it.
Gonna knock, knock, knock until you try it
Come on give it to me now.
Wanna scream your name out loud.
I'm addicted to love.’


Jin couldn’t quite put his finger on it. There was something about Kame, some mysterious allure that compelled him to keep coming back again and again. 

They are walking together now in an empty corridor, on their way home from rehearsals. Kame is wearing a white shirt, and he is walking slightly ahead, hair still wet from the showers. Jin watches the droplets of water trickling slowly down Kame’s dark hair, down the nape of his neck, the curve of his spine. He reaches out a hand, and trails his finger down the cool skin of Kame’s back.

Kame pauses then turns around to face Jin. His expression is serious— eyes alight with some unreadable emotion. Jin is instantly lured in. 

He’s been with others before, several women in fact, but none of them were quite as thrilling, quite as exciting as being with Kame. He had never been so strongly attracted to anyone else. 

There was only one explanation, Jin thinks, as he pulls Kame to him for a kiss. 

Kame was… addictive.

I wanna know what love is
A once in a lifetime meeting, and we can read each other's minds’


There are so many sides to Kame that Jin sometimes wonders how much of the man he really knows.

There is, of course, the Kame that everybody sees. Polite. Pleasant. Charming. Kame is a natural crowd-pleaser. He always knows exactly what to say, exactly what to do in whatever situation. In short, Kame is the perfect idol. In the beginning, Jin naturally gravitated to this effortlessly charming Kame.

It was later on that Jin discovered the foolish, childlike side to the younger man. This was the Kame to whom Jin feels he relates most. They understand each other. No matter how many years pass, they are both young at heart, laughing at the same immature pranks, telling the same crude jokes, sharing the same odd sense of humor. Jin thinks that, probably, this is the Kame that he fell in love with.

‘Losing myself in this love that's hit me at lightning speed

And in the end getting seriously wounded...just like I thought’  

He’s in love with this Kame whom so many people are also in love with. Sometimes, that thought fills Jin with an irrational possessive anger. 

Jin pins Kame to the wall, kissing him passionately, almost desperately. Kame kisses him back with the same fervor, bringing his hands up to run his fingers through Jin’s hair. 

’The more I know about love, the more fearful I become of it
I swore I would never love anyone again.’


Jin’s heart is beating so wildly now that he feels lightheaded, and it is only Kame’s warmth against him that keeps him grounded. The feeling is so intense, so real, that it is almost terrifying. 

Jin has his left hand on Kame’s waist, while the fingers of his other hand skim the hem of Kame’s shirt. He slips his hand inside, running his palm upward slowly along Kame’s slender torso— 

“Jin,” says Kame, so softly it was almost a gasp, “Not here….” 

Jin doesn’t listen, dipping his head to leave a trail of kisses on Kame’s neck. 

“Jin!” Kame repeats, more firmly now, “Someone might see us. Stop-” 

Jin covers Kame’s mouth with his own, immediately slipping his tongue inside the other man’s mouth, earning a low moan from Kame. Jin can’t stop. He wants to have Kame, wants to devour him body and soul, and make him his own right at that moment. Surely, this is madness…

’...but then why? My self restraint isn't working.

My heartstrings are getting tugged at again’

When Jin forces his thigh in between Kame’s, the other man breaks away from Jin’s hold and pushes him back. Kame stands in the empty hallway, regarding Jin with an expression that was a mixture of reproach and concern. 

“Jin!” Kame’s voice reverberates and is a little too loud in the silence, “What’s up with you?” he asks, knitting his brow. 

“Nothing,” Jin replies, perhaps a little too quickly, “Just… come to my house?” 

Kame looks at him for a moment, and then exhales sharply. 

“Alright,” Kame smiles, and a knot in Jin’s chest suddenly loosens, “Why didn’t you just ask me nicely? Let’s go.” 

Jin follows Kame through the hallways, not really seeing anything except the slender form walking in front of him.

’These acts that build up to love.

And this lifestyle I keep repeating. I'm addicted to love.’

They agree to use Kame’s car. Jin is silent as he sits in the passenger seat. He watches the street lights create illuminations and shadows on Kame’s face as they zoom across the city roads. 

Kame notices him watching, and he glances at Jin, smiling. 

When the traffic light turns red, Kame leans forward and to side, brushing his lips against the side of Jin’s face, near his temple. 

Jin turns his head and presses their lips together. 

All too quickly, the traffic light turns green once again.

Even if this eternity and fate are a mirage it's ok, I'm addicted to love
Addicted to la la la la, la la la la love.’

Behind closed doors, another Kame comes alive. The Kame that is completely aware of his own sensuality, his own allure— the Kame that knows how to manipulate his body, his hands, his facial expressions, with devastating results. 

Jin is almost overwhelmed with the other man’s raw sensual power. This is the bewildering, seductive Kame, who is coming toward him now with flashing eyes, his hips swaying oh so slightly, so provocatively. Kame undoes his belt buckle and lets his jeans drop to the ground, all the while not missing a step. 

Jin’s eyes widen, arousal clouding his dark eyes. He is completely naked sitting on the bed, but he doesn’t feel the least bit cold.

’This is becoming my strongest passion. I want to know you.
I'm addicted to love, addicted to love.’

Jin takes Kame’s hand and pulls him to the bed. Jin allows Kame to straddle him and sit on his lap. Jin kisses Kame again, and he pulls Kame’s shirt over his head. Kame lets Jin shower kisses on his bare chest, gasping as Jin’s hot breath ghosts over a nipple.

Suddenly, Kame pushes Jin, gently, so that Jin was lying back against the pillows. Jin looks at him, eyes glazed over with lust.

And as I fall head over heals, I have this feeling of flying
With a single word and action, I sink and then come back up.

My lover, are you an angel? Devil?'

Kame climbs over Jin, a sudden smile touching his lips. On a different face, that smile would have looked devilish. Jin is now underneath him, his breathing shallow and ragged with desire.

This is the most mysterious and most fascinating Kame of all— Kame the lover.

Kame’s head dips downward, and Jin is unable to fight back a loud moan as the other man gently swirls his tongue around Jin’s navel, then suddenly takes his shaft fully in the mouth.

’Love is an ego. And that's what dopamine does (a calm analysis)
My desires and lusts are interwoven. It's just an illusion. then why is your gentleness more painful than a goodbye’

Jin is inside Kame now, and they cannot be more intimately connected than this. Jin knows it is painful for Kame, and he holds Kame’s face in his hand, his thumb drawing gentle circles on the younger man’s cheek.

“Does it hurt?” Jin asks, his voice low and husky.

“No, it’s okay…” Kame replies, managing a feeble smile.

Jin makes a sharp movement, and Kame gasps.

“It’s not okay, don’t lie,” Jin says, face so close to Kame’s that their noses were almost touching.

“It’s fine, don’t stop…”

Jin kisses his brow, gentle and soothing, promising to replace the pain with pleasure.

’Sweet sensation love can happen naturally at any time or season
Seek for that moment, and try me out
These "maybes" that connect us...’


Jin’s movements were getting more erratic now, and he knew he wouldn’t last long, what with Kame’s gasps and incoherent murmurs hot in his ear. Kame has his arms tightly wrapped around Jin’s neck, drawing him close. 

It is in moments like these, when they were closer to each other than any other moment that Jin wonders if he truly knows Kame. Truth was, perhaps he’d never fully understand the man. But it’s fine. He is fortunate to be able to see the most secret sides of Kame that he doesn’t reveal to the world. 

Jin gives a strangled cry as he reaches climax first, burying his face into the crook of Kame’s neck.

‘These acts that build up to love.
And this lifestyle I keep repeating.
I'm addicted to love
Even if this eternity and fate are a mirage, it's ok.

I'm addicted to love’

They are lying side by side on the bed now, breathing heavily, coming down from their high. Kame turns on his side and looks at Jin’s still flushed face. 

“Hey, Jin…” Kame says quietly. 

“What?” Jin props his head up on one arm and looks at Kame quizzically. 

“I love you.” 

Jin doesn’t reply immediately, and he sees a sudden look of hurt flit through Kame’s face. Quite suddenly, Kame laughs, and it is a dry and humorless laugh that makes Jin flinch. 

“Just kidding!” Kame’s voice sounds almost convincingly lighthearted. The younger man turns away from Jin and does not say anything more. 

This is another side to Kame. The Kame who is a good actor, who is adept at keeping his true feelings secret. Jin used to fear this ability of Kame to keep up pretenses, sometimes making him doubt Kame’s feelings toward him. But now Jin understands. Kame is honest with his feelings most of the time, except when he feels too strongly. 

“Come here, Kazuya,” Jin says, putting a hand on Kame’s waist and forcefully pulling the man towards him so that Kame’s back was flush against Jin’s chest.

Addicted to la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la love
This is becoming my strongest passion. I want to know you.


Jin rests his chin on Kame’s head, his arm around Kame’s body.

“They say that jokes are half-meant, you know,” says Jin, playing with a lock of Kame’s hair. 

“Ha! Really,” and Jin almost laughs because Kame was trying so hard to sound humorous. 

“Well, I’m going to tell you a joke, and you have to listen,” Jin grins to himself as he says, “…I love you twice over.” 

Kame turns around in his arms and cranes his neck to look at Jin. 

“I don’t get the joke,” the younger man says, perplexed. 

“Jokes are half-meant right? So if I love you twice over, that means—” 

And this time, Kame laughs, a ringing infectious laughter that coaxes a wide, almost silly grin from Jin. 

It is this Kame that reminds him why he let himself fall in love so deeply.

I'm addicted to love, addicted to love

A/N: Yey! Happy ending! Haha. Anyway, if you're interested, here's a link to my MaruDa fic here. :D

Leap of Faith, Chapter Three

Title: Leap of Faith
Pairing: MaruDa
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, Drama, Smut (in the last chapter! :P)
Beta: superhero0008 
Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own. xD
Summary: A night of drinking leads to something happening between Nakamaru and Ueda, leaving both with confused thoughts and mixed emotions. Will they be brave enough to take a leap of faith?

Chapter Three

Nakamaru stretched out a hand from under the bed covers, blindly searching for his ringing cellphone. Finally, he found it under a pillow and, pressing the button to take the incoming call, he sleepily put the phone to his ear. Before he even got a chance to speak, he already heard Koki’s loud voice from the phone’s speaker,


“Your mom said you were still sick, is that true?!”


Nakamaru winced, holding the cellphone a few inches away from his ear, and simply said, “Yes.”


“Well, how are you feeling now?” Nakamaru could hear the concern in Koki’s voice.


“… Sick?”


“Yucchi!” Koki exclaimed teasingly, “You’re lying aren’t you! You haven’t been to rehearsals for three days, you can’t still be sick.”


“Yes, well I’m still sick, please just let me rest until I’m feeling better, alright?” Nakamaru felt a little guilty for being so curt, but he was just not in the mood to talk to anyone at the moment.


Koki was silent for a moment, and then said, “Okay. But if you need to talk or anything, I’m always here.”


“Thanks, Koki. I appreciate it.”


“It’s some girl, isn’t it! What’re you not telling me—”


“Bye…” said Nakamaru, his finger positioned to press the “end call” button.


“—Hey! Don’t hang up yet! Come out with us tonight! We’re going clubbing with some models. Gorgeous models, Yucchi! You need to forget that girl you’re sulking about right now.”


Nakamaru didn’t reply. He was silent for so long that Koki had to say again, “Hello?”


“… I’ll think about it, okay?”


“Okay. Hey, just…” Koki seemed to be struggling to find the right words, “Don’t get so down. Whatever you’re going through, it’s going to be fine.”


“Thank you. Bye, Koki. I’ll see you later. Maybe.”


Nakamaru ended the call and rolled over so that he was lying facedown on the bed. He pulled the covers over his head and closed his eyes. It was very peaceful, just lying down like that. He’d been sleeping a lot the past few days. At first, he actually had to rest because he had developed a fever. But even when his fever had gone down, he still didn’t feel like doing anything except lie around and think. And perhaps, sulk.


He’d been doing a lot of thinking the past few days, and he was glad to find that it was actually helping him to feel better about things. Now that everything was sorted out, maybe he could finally move on.


Perhaps he had been wrong that night to respond to Ueda’s advances. Although Ueda had given him mixed signals, at the end of the day, Nakamaru was the one who was desperate enough to take advantage of a drunk and irrational Ueda. He was the bad guy here.


Nakamaru sighed. He hadn’t realized before just how deeply he’d fallen for Ueda. He didn’t even know when it started. He only knew that, for the longest time, it was with Ueda he felt most comfortable and most happy. And suddenly, everything about Ueda fascinated him— his smile, his quirks, the candid and childlike side to his personality. Without realizing it, Nakamaru had fallen deeply in love. But he knew now that Ueda did not return his feelings.


Now, there was no need for things to get complicated. All he needed to do was just suck it up, forget and move on. He only wished that feelings could just be turned off so easily. He just had to be comforted by the fact that, surely, in time, what he felt for Ueda would go away— sooner than later, he hoped.


At that moment, the phone on the study desk began to ring. Nakamaru didn’t stand up, and let the call go to the answering machine.


“Hello Nakamaru, are you there?” Kame’s voice sounded cheerful, but also a little worried, “Hey, you haven’t come for rehearsals in a while. We haven’t heard from you either. Are you still sick? Are you okay? Your mom wouldn’t let us in the house when we went to visit you. She said you were too sick to see anyone… Anyway, maybe it would be good for you to go out tonight? I’ll come and pick you up later. Call me if you’re going with us, okay? Bye.”


Nakamaru decided he would go, for his own sanity. He couldn’t hide away forever. He picked up his cellphone and dialed Kamenashi’s number.






Ueda nodded, smiling politely, trying his best to look interested in what the woman across the table from him was saying. She was actually quite attractive, not girlish and cute, but had a more classic beauty— exactly his type. Her name, she said, was Yukari. She tended to talk too much, however. It would’ve been fine, really, if she didn’t talk so much about herself. Ueda was rather thankful that the music in the club was so loud that he couldn’t really hear much of what Yukari was saying.


Ueda had come to the club with the rest of KAT-TUN, but late in the night, the other members went their separate ways. Koki and Taguchi went off with a group of girls, laughing and dancing raucously in the middle of the crowd on the dance floor. Kamenashi had been sitting down on the table with Ueda, but his cellphone had starting ringing with an incoming call. “Hello Jin?” Kamenashi had said into the phone, and motioned that he had to go to take the phone call. Kamenashi stood up and left, but never came back.

Nakamaru was at another table, taken aside from the very beginning of the night by two of the models. The girls seemed to be having fun with Nakamaru’s shy and awkward reactions toward them. Ueda was quite sure that one of them was called Mio, and the other Aya but he didn’t know which was which. They teased Nakamaru and openly flirted with him, but all he did was look uncomfortable. One of them, (Mio was it?) leaned forward to whisper in his ear—


Ueda looked away, turning his attention back to the woman in front of him.


“Let’s dance,” Yukari said, flashing a beautiful smile. The dim lights made her look almost ethereal and angelic. Ueda was pleasantly surprised. Not a lot of women could make his heart go ‘doki doki’ with a single look.


“Alright, let’s go,” replied Ueda, grinning and taking the woman’s hand. He led her to the dance floor. He started to move to the beat of the music, swaying his hips a little. Yukari followed his lead, dancing close to Ueda. Yukari was quite a good dancer, adding little flourishes to simple steps to make them more eye-catching. Ueda was starting to enjoy himself, trading comments now and then with the woman and laughing at little jokes.


This is how it’s supposed to be, Ueda thought. This was how he’d envisioned it happening: he’d meet the perfect girl, he’d make her his girlfriend, they’d get married and find a house where they could live together—


“Can we join you?”


Ueda looked up and saw the two girls that were chatting up Nakamaru, each girl holding one of Nakamaru’s arms. Nakamaru didn’t seem like he wanted to be on the dance floor at all.


“Uh, sure, of course,” replied Ueda, “You don’t mind, Yukari?”


“Not at all,” said Yukari, taking Ueda’s arm, “But Ueda and I are dancing together, okay?”


The two other girls giggled and nodded enthusiastically. They didn’t relinquish their hold on Nakamaru and were coaxing him to start dancing. Nakamaru, looking extremely ill at ease, kept refusing and shaking his head.


“Are you still feeling sick, Maru?” Ueda asked, laughing as naturally as he could manage.


“What?” Nakamaru looked taken aback at Ueda’s question.


“This guy had called in sick the past few days,” said Ueda to the girls, “He’s just gotten well, so please take care of him.”


One of the girls beside Nakamaru tittered, and cooed, “Aww, poor you! Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?”


“No, it’s okay,” said Nakamaru, with a weak smile, “I’m fine, really.”


“Hey, we should be dancing, not talking,” said Yukari, grinning, “And you should be looking at me,” and Yukari slipped her arms around Ueda’s waist.


Ueda frowned, irked at the sudden familiarity.


“Maybe we shouldn’t be dancing so close together,” said Ueda, trying his best to smile politely.


“It’s fine,” replied Yukari, laying her head on Ueda’s shoulder, swaying slowly.


From the corner of his eye, Ueda saw Nakamaru throw a furtive glance in their direction.


Ueda put his hands on Yukari’s shoulders, slow dancing with her in spite of the fast techno music blaring. He was attracted to her, no doubt, with her pretty eyes, soft curves, and svelte, graceful figure.


“Nakamaru!” said Aya, (yes, Ueda remembered she was the one with the high-pitched voice), “What’s wrong? Are you feeling well?”


Ueda turned his head, and saw that Nakamaru was looking a little pale.


“I’m fine,” said Nakamaru in a wavering voice, “Don’t mind me. I just need some air, that’s all.”


Nakamaru abruptly made his way out of the dance floor and disappeared somewhere in the crowd. Ueda hesitated a moment, then decided to follow him, abandoning the woman he was dancing with without another word.


“Hey!” he heard Yukari calling after him, but he ignored her. She was very beautiful, but Ueda decided that he didn’t like her very much after all.


Nakamaru walked so fast that Ueda almost lost him in the mass of people dancing rowdily all around them. The other man didn’t seem to know where he was going, and appeared to be blindly going toward whatever exit he could find.


Nakamaru walked past a pair of doors at the back of the establishment that led to a small deserted balcony overlooking the city lights. The music of the club faded to a quieter sort of din, and Ueda realized that he was thankful for it. His head was starting to hurt from the loud music.


Ueda kept away a certain distance, not sure if he wanted Nakamaru to know that he had followed him.


The other man leaned on the balcony’s railings and bowed his head, as if he were going to throw up. Overcome with worry, Ueda called his name.




Nakamaru turned suddenly to face him, surprised. Through the illumination of the lights overhead, Ueda saw what looked like tears in Nakamaru’s eyes. Ueda froze in his tracks, stunned.


Nakamaru blinked, raising a questioning eyebrow. Ueda relaxed. Maybe he wasn’t crying after all.


“Ueda, what’s wrong? Why did you leave your date?” Nakamaru asked, stumbling just a little on the last word.


“I – I was worried about you,” replied Ueda nervously, “You were looking a little pale.”
Nakamaru smiled and waved his hand dismissively, “I’m okay now. I just needed to get away for a while.”


“Alright then,” and Ueda suddenly felt awkward, “I guess I’ll be going back. Yukari must be waiting…”


“Yes…” said Nakamaru, averting his eyes.


Ueda hesitated, wondering if Nakamaru was really alright. Well, he didn’t look as pale now as he did a few moments ago. If anything, the older man seemed a little withdrawn, and somewhat sad. But maybe Ueda was imagining things.


He took one last look at Nakamaru, who was watching the cars go by on the streets below, the city’s many lights flickering in his dark eyes. Ueda felt he should say something, but he didn’t know what. He turned around, thinking of what excuse he was going to tell Yukari. She would surely be upset that he just left her like that in the middle of the dance floor—


“Don’t go.”


Ueda blinked, not sure if he really heard what he thought he did.


“Don’t go back,” Nakamaru repeated, his voice louder and clearer now.

~end of Chapter Three

Link to Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four

Leap of Faith, Chapter Two

Title: Leap of Faith
Pairing: MaruDa
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, Drama, Smut (in a later chapter! :P)
Beta: superhero0008 
Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own. xD
Summary: A night of drinking leads to something happening between Nakamaru and Ueda, leaving both with confused thoughts and mixed emotions. Will they be brave enough to take a leap of faith?

Chapter Two

As soon as he got outside the apartment building, Ueda leapt into a cab and gave the driver directions to his own place. He settled into the backseat, shutting his eyes. His headache was almost unbearable. Most of the pain was from the hangover he was getting from all the alcohol he had consumed the previous night, while some of it was because he was trying too hard to remember what had happened.

When Ueda woke up naked in a strange bed, he almost panicked, not having any idea at all as to how he got there. He could not have been more shocked when he saw Nakamaru half-naked and wearing only his boxers walking around the room and picking up clothes that were scattered here and there. Not knowing what else to do, he closed his eyes again, pretending to still be asleep. 

What the hell happened? 

He couldn’t remember at all how he had gotten in that room or why his clothes were all over the floor. However, taking into consideration all the facts: the amount of alcohol he had consumed the night before, his clothes thrown all over the floor, Nakamaru walking around half-naked— everything seemed to be adding up to a very frightening conclusion.  

Ueda didn’t want to think about it. Whatever happened, it was all in the past and worrying about it wouldn’t do anything. And yet, what the hell was up with that ‘goodbye kiss’? Nakamaru was looking so miserable and sad that something stirred within Ueda’s heart and he just had to comfort the guy— and so he kissed him?  

The more that Ueda thought about things, the more that he was getting confused. So he decided not to think at all.  

Right. He had to go home, take a quick shower and go back to the studio for rehearsals. He simply had to focus on those tasks and not think about anything else. When he arrived home, he went through the motions of showering and dressing almost mechanically, successfully blocking any thoughts of the events of last night.  

He decided to arrive a little late for rehearsals, even slowing down his driving to kill time. If he were late, he could avoid having to talk to anyone and proceed directly to rehearsing.  

When he finally parked his car and arrived at the studio, he heard Kame greet him, and he just returned the greeting with a wave in the general direction of Kame’s voice. He positioned himself in a corner, going through the stretching exercises, pretending to be too engrossed in what he was doing to notice anything else. 

There were a few times, however, when he distinctly felt that someone’s eyes was on him, felt that certain prickling on the back of his neck. Yet he did not dare try to look around. He was almost sure that his emotions were showing plainly on his face for all the world to see.  

When rehearsals finally ended for the day, Ueda stayed behind sitting in a corner. He considered going home immediately and just taking a shower there. He did not want to have to interact with the others in the locker room. 

Suddenly, he remembered something. The studio on the upper floor was being repaired. Which meant that nobody was using the showers. 

Ueda took his bag and made a quick exit. 


Nakamaru wandered the empty hallways of the 2nd floor. Everything was dark and silent, and his footsteps echoed so loudly that it was almost scandalous.  

Nakamaru heaved a sigh. Pacing back and forth was not helping at all. His mind was still a complete blur of confusion. 

There was, of course, only one person who could make everything clear. Yet, Ueda’s actions were confusing him even further. The man had ignored Nakamaru the whole day—well, alright, Ueda had ignored everyone the whole day but… 

Nakamaru stopped in his tracks, and looked around. He was sure he heard a sound somewhere. But no one was supposed to be on this floor. It sounded like water running. Perhaps someone had left a faucet open or something? 

Nakamaru followed the sound, and it led him to the showers. Who could be using the showers on the deserted floor? Nakamaru started to feel a little scared and was starting to go back, when a thought occurred to him. Taguchi had told him earlier that he had seen Ueda climbing the stairs to the second floor.

Nakamaru hesitated, then started to walk in the direction of the locker room. He had been waiting all day for a chance to talk to Ueda after all.

He stuck his head in the doorway of the room, looking to see if anyone was there. Right at that moment, Ueda walked in from the showers, fully clothed but with his hair still damp.


“Shit!” Ueda exclaimed, literally jumping back in surprise, “Nakamaru! You scared me!”  

“Sorry, I was just— I heard water running so I went to investigate so…”

Nakamaru trailed off awkwardly, and they were left staring at each other. Abruptly, Ueda broke the silence,

“Listen… about last night…”

At his words, Nakamaru’s heart started beating wildly. Ueda looked away for a while, exposing the side of his neck to Nakamaru. Suddenly, the beatboxer was hyper aware of everything— the droplets of water falling from Ueda’s damp hair, the elegant curve of Ueda’s jaw, those full, sensual lips, his small straight nose, those dark, long eyelashes… Nakamaru had always found Ueda’s side profile beautiful.

And suddenly Ueda looked at him directly, dark eyes serious and mouth pursed in a thin straight line. 

“Do you remember anything about last night?” Ueda asked quietly and with a look so intense that Nakamaru almost stopped breathing.

“I-I…” Nakamaru started, flustered and blushing furiously, “Yes, I remember.”

“You told me something last night,” here Ueda stepped forward, now standing so close to Nakamaru that he could feel the warmth of the other’s body, “You said you loved me.”

Nakamaru inhaled sharply, remembering the exact moment he had said those words.

That night, they were both lost in the heat of the moment, kissing and touching with abandon that neither knew whose hands were on whom. It was Ueda who took the lead, and Nakamaru responded with equal fervor. 

Nakamaru was so close, so very close. He was lost in a haze of pleasure and was sure he was about to lose his mind.

But he stopped and touched his forehead to Ueda’s, his thumb caressing the other man’s cheeks, then tracing the soft sensuous curve of Ueda’s lips. In that moment, Nakamaru could feel Ueda’s heart beating against his own chest. 

“Ueda Tatsuya,” said Nakamaru quietly, meaning every word, “I love you. I love you so much...”

Ueda smiled and pulled Nakamaru to him, pressing their lips together. Then, they started moving again, Ueda’s hands on Nakamaru’s hips directing his movement. It did not take them long. Ueda let out a strangled cry against his shoulder, arching against him, and the world was lost to oblivion.

Nakamaru shook his head, willing himself to return to the present time. He wondered if Ueda remembered everything with the same detail that he did.

“Y-yes, I did,” replied Nakamaru, clearing his throat, “I did say that.”

“Did you mean it?” Ueda asked, narrowing his eyes in an almost threatening manner.

Nakamaru’s brow furrowed, voice trembling with emotion, “I meant it. I meant what I said.”

Ueda’s face quickly changed, his expression softening at the sincerity of Nakamaru words. They looked at each other, silently, the air charged with unspoken emotion.

Then, Ueda shook his head ever so slowly, eyes suddenly bright with tears, lips trembling with strong emotion. He suddenly looked so very young and vulnerable, different from the usual confident and self-assured Ueda that Nakamaru knew.

It was in this moment that Nakamaru realized how much he did not understand about Ueda. He simply stared, wide-eyed and uncomprehending.

“Last night never happened.”

Suddenly, the silence after Ueda’s statement became like a roaring noise, as if Nakamaru’s ears were rebelling against what he had just heard so clearly.

“What… what do you mean?” and Nakamaru was surprised he was able to talk because his mouth was so dry.

“It shouldn't have happened,” said Ueda, his face full of confusion, "Because I... it's not--"

And so it was that, just as Nakamaru thought that they were moving closer, Ueda was pulling away once again. But this time, Nakamaru was afraid that Ueda was distancing himself for good.

“But… why?”
Nakamaru asked, barely hearing himself over the pounding of his heart in his ears.

Nakamaru didn’t know anymore what to feel. He simply stood there, staring at Ueda.

Ueda raised his chin, looking defiant and determined. Suddenly, Nakamaru was afraid. Afraid of what this single person could do, afraid of the power that he held over him. 

“I’m sorry,” said Ueda suddenly, so quietly that Nakamaru almost missed it, “But please forget everything.”

Without another word, Ueda turned and gathered his things. He quickly stowed them away in his bag as Nakamaru watched, strangely feeling emotionless and wooden.

Ueda slung his bag over his shoulder and, as he passed Nakamaru, he paused, hesitating.

Ueda cleared his throat and said simply, “See you tomorrow.”

The other man walked away, and Nakamaru remained unmoving, listening to the sound of Ueda’s footsteps slowly getting farther and farther away.

A single thought occurred to his mind. Could he forget? Could he just obey Ueda? 

…Of course. Because how he could he refuse? How could he ever refuse Ueda?



~end of Chapter Two

Link to Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four

Leap of Faith, a MaruDa fic

Title: Leap of Faith
Pairing: MaruDa
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, Drama, Smut (in a later chapter! :P)
Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own. xD
Summary: A night of drinking leads to something happening between Nakamaru and Ueda, leaving both with confused thoughts and mixed emotions. Will they be brave enough to take a leap of faith?

A/N: Okay, so I admit that I found it really hard to write both Maru and Ueda. But I tried my best, I hope they sound believable to you. I am so fascinated with their relationship that I just had to write this. This will be a multi-chapter fic, btw, and hopefully I can put up the other chapters soon. xD Thanks to my good friend
[info]superhero0008 who gave me the prompt for this fic. My fic and hers are actually connected! Please go and read her AKame fic here Seriously Drunk.

“Nakamaru made his way to the bed after washing his face in the bathroom sink. The naked form of Ueda, partly shrouded by the thin white sheets, was still asleep. He was still tired from the events of the previous night.”

Outside, the sky was starting to lighten, the faint sunlight streaming through the curtains, lending the room a soft dreamlike atmosphere. Wearing only his boxers, Nakamaru quietly picked up the rest of his clothes that were messily thrown all over the floor. He picked up his shirt that had somehow gotten as far as the bathroom door. Nakamaru wrinkled his nose at the lingering scent of alcohol, wondering just how Koki was able to make him drink so much. He did not like the thought of having to wear the same dirty shirt again, but, seeing as he didn’t have any spare clothing, he had no choice but to put it on.

The beatboxer stopped as he was about to pick up the next article of clothing on the floor. It was a piece of underwear, and, of course, it wasn’t his own. Nakamaru made an odd gulping sort of noise and, with one swift motion, picked up the pair of briefs and put it on the edge of the bed. Then, with somewhat unsteady hands, he proceeded to pick up the shirt and the pants that were lying on floor near the foot of the bed. If Nakamaru’s clothes smelled slightly of alcohol, Ueda’s clothes smelled like they had been dipped in the stuff.

Ueda was pretty wild the night before, downing hard drinks one after the other like they were water. He even helped Koki and Taguchi drag Akanishi and lock him into Kamenashi’s room! Well, everyone was drinking and partying hard, celebrating Kamenashi’s 25th birthday like madmen with a death sentence. Koki kept on refilling Nakamaru’s glass (past overflowing), and he had been forced to keep on politely sipping his drink. At some point, the room started spinning around him. From that point on, his consciousness began to falter, and so now his memory was a bit fragmented here and there.

The next thing he knew, he was at the door of one of the guestrooms, arm around a drunk Ueda who couldn’t even walk straight anymore. Both of them were laughing, trying to walk without toppling over. Then, there was that kiss from Ueda. He was supposed to pull away but Ueda was too strong, almost crushing him in his embrace. Nakamaru could only give in, all the secret desires he had long kept hidden crashing upon him like waves. Ueda was moving against him now, their bodies pressed so closely together that the heat was maddening—

Nakamaru shook his head and blinked several times, willing himself to return his mind to the present. He didn’t really remember everything that had happened the night before, but the random flashes of events that he did remember were far too embarrassing to dwell upon.

Ueda was still sleeping peacefully on the bed, lips slightly parted, his bare chest rising and falling rhythmically with each breath. Nakamaru slowly sat down on the other side of the bed, gently adjusting up the blanket so that Ueda would not be cold.

Just how drunk were you to have done that with me?

Nakamaru sighed, images of last night returning unbidden to his mind. Perhaps he shouldn’t have done what he did. Yes, Ueda had initiated, but he was drunk! Who knew how much of what he said and did were actually true? Would Ueda even remember what happened?


“EH?!” Nakamaru jumped in surprise.

“I said it’s creepy that you’re watching me sleep.”

Ueda opened one eye and propped himself up on one elbow. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were still a little red, but it was still enough to make Nakamaru stare. How could anyone look so attractive in such a casual pose?

“I’m sorry…” said Nakamaru lamely.

“Where are my clothes?” Ueda rubbed his eyes and yawned. Nakamaru could read nothing in his demeanor. The younger man didn’t seem bothered at all that he woke up totally naked in a room and in a bed that was not his own.

“They’re here.”

Nakamaru stood up, took the pile of clothes at the edge of the bed and handed them over to Ueda.

“Thanks. Oh and hey, could you find me some aspirin? I have this huge headache,” said the boxer, pressing his knuckles to his temples.

“I t-think there’s a medicine cabinet in the bathroom,” Nakamaru cleared his throat, “I’ll just go and see if there’s any aspirin there.”

Nakamaru had to hold back a sigh of relief as he turned his back on Ueda. He was afraid that his feelings were showing too plainly on his face. With shaking hands, he opened the medicine cabinet and methodically picked up and put down every single object that he found, an empty glass, a button, a box of floss— all of this so that he could delay the moment that he had to return and face Ueda.

When he finally went back to the bedroom, he saw that Ueda was almost fully dressed and was in the process of buttoning up his shirt. Nakamaru noticed that some of the buttons were done wrong, but he decided not to say anything.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t find any aspirin,” said Nakamaru, his voice sounding small and insignificant in the quiet of the room.

Ueda looked up, far too sharply thought Nakamaru, and gave a small smile.

“It’s fine,” said Ueda, giving a little laugh, “I can deal with a little pain.”


There was a tense silence as neither of them moved nor said a word.

“There’s a mirror in the bathroom, if you need it,” said Nakamaru, glad that his voice was steady despite the heavy feeling in his chest.

“Yeah, no, it’s fine…” Ueda replied, almost smiling, and then looking away.

Again, that oppressive silence.


“Listen…” Ueda started, massaging the back of his head, “About last night…”

Nakamaru could barely hear anything above the pounding of his heart in his ears.

This was the moment. Ueda was not going to remember. If he did remember, Ueda was going to deny it ever happened. He was going to ask Nakamaru to forget everything. And Nakamaru would have to go with it. He would have to pretend that last night meant nothing at all. He would have to continue on pretending that Ueda was nothing more than just a friend, when, for the longest time, the truth was—

“Anyway, uhh…” said Ueda, “I’m going home now… Goodbye…”

So this was how it was going to end. They would not talk about it, not even acknowledge that anything had happened between them. Nakamaru felt a deep, almost paralyzing disappointment.

But it was fine. Totally fine. It had to be fine. There was no other choice.

Nakamaru’s eyes started to sting, but he quickly yawned and rubbed his eyes to cover it up.

“Yeah, okay,” said Nakamaru, trying his best to keep his voice calm, “Can you get home safely? I mean, are you feeling well enough?”

“I’m okay, yeah.”

Nakamaru just nodded, not knowing what else to say. Ueda was about to walk to the door, when on impulse, Nakamaru reached out a hand and closed his fingers around Ueda’s wrist. Ueda stopped and turned to look at him, surprised. Nakamaru looked surprised himself, not knowing his own intentions for doing such a thing.

They stood staring at each other, Ueda’s wrist firmly in his grasp. Nakamaru looked at Ueda, his heart in his eyes, hoping that the other man would understand somehow.

“Nakamaru… I…”

At that moment, Ueda’s face crumpled into a look of pure misery, “I’m sorry…” he said softly, his voice so gentle that it was almost heartbreaking.

Ah. Nakamaru had not considered this possibility, this kindness that would hurt more than rejection.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to feel sorry for me,” said the older man softly, looking down at the floor, “You know what, forget what I said, okay? It must have been the alcohol talking. I drank so much, you see? So I’ve got this serious hangover now. I can’t even remember anything that happened last night. Not a thing! Alcohol makes people lose their inhibitions, ne? So whatever we did was just, you know, nothing okay? Just forget everything I said, alright? Don’t mind me mmmph—”

Nakamaru was interrupted by something that, to that day, was perhaps the single most confusing moment in his life.

He felt soft lips against his own, a little dry perhaps, but still deliciously warm and sweet. Their contact was brief and chaste, and then Ueda pulled away to look at him for a moment. Nakamaru was surprised to see his own confusion mirrored in the other man’s eyes.

Then, without another word, Ueda dashed out of the room, leaving Nakamaru alone in a sea of unanswered questions.

~end of Chapter One

Link to Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four